Gazing Into The Crystal Ball
With the MLB All-Star break almost upon us, let’s take this opportunity to gaze into the crystal ball and glimpse what might be in the future for our beloved Texas Rangers in the second half of this season…
- The injury epidemic that has plagued the Rangers organization at both the major and minor league levels tragically extends beyond the playing field, as an ill-advised microphone placement during a “Progressive Fan of the Game” segment lands Jim Knox on the 60-day DL with a dislocated uvula.
- In order to prevent the aforementioned injury epidemic from further ravaging their roster, the Rangers take drastic action and order an entirely new batch of uniforms made from the same material as the “Dumb & Dumber” tuxedos worn by the only two members of their starting rotation yet to be injured this season, Derek Holland and Justin Grimm.
- The henchmen we were all so ominously warned about last year move on from botched robberies to a botched abduction attempt, resulting from an extremely unfortunate misinterpretation of the #TakeTanner All-Star vote hashtag campaign.
- After David Murphy spends most of the first half of this season hitting his weight, Dave Magadan radically changes his approach to focus on convincing Murphy to start massively overeating in the hope that his batting average will follow suit.
- When protracted salary negotiations between 20th Century Fox and Curtis Armstrong reach a seemingly permanent impasse, the casting director for “Revenge of the Nerds V” approaches Geovany Soto about replacing Armstrong in the pivotal role of “Booger.”
- After Jeff Baker’s injured thumb repeatedly fails to respond to a seemingly endless series of attempts at rehab, Ranger team physicians take the controversial measure of retrofitting Baker with the oversized mechanical hand used by Buster Bluth in Season 4 of “Arrested Development,” in order to return Baker to the lineup and to also serve as a strong deterrent to any future overzealous dugout high-fives.
Be advised that these visions of the future may not be 100% accurate, as it turns out what I thought was a crystal ball actually ended up being the freshly de-dreadlocked head of Manny Ramirez.