50 Shades of Rangers

Nowadays, if you want to be a “funny” writer you have to come up with a spiffy title for your article. Something that instantly grabs the attention of the reader causing them to think “Oh, this guy is funny”. Most of the time the humor is lacking, so I will try my best not to disappoint as I present to you my fifty predictions for next season. Okay there are not actually fifty of them. I just had to sucker you in with the title.
1. The Rangers will sign Zack Greinke in the offseason, almost assuring the Angels will finish in third place again as only Jered Weaver and C.J. Wilson remain on the pitching staff. Mike Trout fills in as third starter and wins the Cy Young but loses the MVP award once again.

2. Derek Holland will be traded in the middle of the season when a healthy Colby Lewis returns. The team he is traded to bans him from doing any impersonations until he learns how to impersonate a consistent pitcher.

3. Michael Young wins the AL Comeback Player of the Year award after hitting .336 with 24 home runs. In his final at-bat he ascends upon a unicorn with Evan Grant and floats away on a rainbow.

4. The “Greene’s Hill” kid runs to catch another home run ball only to lose it in the sun and get beaned on the head. He is then “pantsed” by actual kids, ridiculed on ESPN, and turns to a life of seclusion.

5. As part of the new upgrades, when anyone starts the wave Chuck Morgan will press a button that causes automatic seatbelts to appear and restrain fans.

6. Scott Feldman will return after accepting an extremely low one-year contract. He has a career year working in relief and spot starting for the injured Alexi Ogando. This results in a new four-year $36 million deal. He regresses in 2014.

7. Ian Kinsler silences his critics by winning his first Gold Glove. A twenty-something Rangers fan named Emily repeatedly posts “Boo Ya!” on Facebook and Twitter for three days straight.

8. After attaining the level of Jedi Master Jon Daniels is able to make better trades by simply waving his hand and saying “These are not the prospects you are looking for”. He then trades Julio Borbon and a can of Spaghetti-o’s to Tampa Bay for David Price.

9. Craig Gentry fully embraces the “Kitten Face” nickname and every time he steals a base he gets on all fours and kicks dirt over the base. Fans dub it “litterboxing”.

10. The Texas Rangers win the World Series in six games over the Washington Nationals. Not a single bottle of ginger ale is found during the celebration. A giant World Series trophy is erected outside of Rangers Ballpark in Arlington; its shadow looms large over Cowboys Stadium.

11-50. Okay I’m only funny to a point.

Check back in October when I look back and see how many of these predictions come true.

James Holland is a Senior Columnist for Shut Down Inning. He can be reached at James.Holland@shutdowninning.com or @SDIJamesHolland on Twitter.

James Holland

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