An Interview With “The Dutchstache”

Shutdown Inning writer, Dan Allsup, interviewed Derek Holland’s mustache (@DutchStache) during the Rangers off-day on Thursday. They talked Tom Selleck, Yoda, wedding crashing and briefly touched on Game 6. 
Dan Allsup: First off, I wanted to thank you for taking a break, from not growing at all, to have this interview. I also want to congratulate you on the engagement. How is your early season going?
Dutchstache: First off, I’d like to note that I have been growing at quite a brisk rate. You can see the difference clearly here:

So, as you can see – I continue to fill in nicely.  By this time in 2016, God and Derek’s fiancé willing, I expect to be fielding comparisons to Tom Selleck in his heyday.

Thank you for the congratulations, but I’d like to point out, politely, that I am not engaged. Derek is engaged – but he went in without consulting me. As you may have heard, there are rumblings the lady is not going to support my presence as best stache in the wedding party. Thus, I’d like to use this opportunity to point out that I am still single. Derek may be engaged, but the party is just starting for the stache. I have to prepare for the possibility of a future without Derek as my host, and I want to consider my long term happiness.

The early season so far is going great. The Rangers are playing great, which always makes things more fun. And I’m really connecting well with Yu Darvish’s bleach blonde locks.

DA: Has Derek thought about growing you out into a fu manchu, and is that even possible?

DS: Derek and I had a meeting of the minds last season, and we talked about some different hair options, both facial and otherwise: goatee, fu manchu, mohawk, Burt-Reynolds-esque-chest-pelt. We decided the best move was going to be the fro that turns into a mullet. And have you seen how that thing flows in the wind? I think we made the right call on that one.

That’s not to say we haven’t had our moments, as rivals and friends, the mullet and I. We’re growing to learn to understand each other.

Holland2DA: How big of a role did you play in Derek’s success last year?

DS: Not to toot my own horn, but pretty huge.

You’ve got to remember who our pitching coach is: Mike Maddux. Now, things were going well enough for him and Derek, but let’s be honest: Mike has a pretty intimidating mustache. It was throwing off Derek’s chi when he visited the mound.  But then I came along. I bridged the gap and made the mound communication turn from tense instruction to the wise musings of a Zen master to his pupil. When Mike puts his hand on Derek’s shoulder, wisdom flows freely – enhanced by the mutual connection from one mustache to another.

We mustaches on the team – Derek’s, Mike’s, and of course the persnickety old mustache of Ron Washington – we support each other and make our hosts stronger.

DA: Are you in the best shape of your life?

DS: Yes. We’ve really hit our stride. Derek was so huge in the World Series – I was so proud of him. We fell a little short, and that just motivates us to work that much harder. I’ve been lifting, throwing, conditioning right alongside Derek, and we plan on taking this one all the way in 2012.

Remember, the Mavericks didn’t win on their first few tries either. It took time before they were able to climb the mountain. But they did, and we will too.  The Mavs and Dirk are such an inspiration.

DA: Ok, I know this is a soft spot for you, so I’m just gonna say it. Your expiration date is the wedding date. What are your plans? Will there be a comeback?

DS: Obviously, I don’t agree with Derek’s plans to clean up for the wedding – but that’s the life of a transient mustache. I’ll probably return to the earth, only to be reborn on the face of someone new. Perhaps you’ll see me on the face of an eastern Tibetan leader as he rides his yak in the Himalayas; perhaps you’ll see me on the face of a young musician ready the set the world aflame with his new brand of sound.  Only time will tell and only the winds know where I might emerge.

DA: Your last day on Derek’s upper lip- how would you like to spend it?

DS: The same way I came into the world: being cheered by the fans at Ranger Ballpark in Arlington. We belong on the pitcher’s mound, and on the mound in Arlington.

DA: You seem to have had a calming effect on Derek, how do you think he’ll handle it (gulp) after you’re gone?

DS: Derek is a special man. We’ve really grown together – from young buck to World Series stud, from fledgling whiskers to the thick impressive lip-decoration you see now.  I can only hope that I’ve taught him the lessons he needs to succeed without me.

In every epic tale, the pupil eventually passes the tutor. Luke Skywalker must survive without Yoda. Frodo and Sam climb Mordor without the help of Aragorn or Gandalf.

While I don’t want to leave Derek, a mustache’s time is often brief. There are others that can learn from me, and a time will come when I will help them.

Wedding CrashersDA: I know this is totally unrealistic, but if you could crash Derek’s wedding- what would you do?

DS: Remember the early-movie montage in Wedding Crashers, where Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson just party the night away?

Like that. I may be a wise teacher, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a good party. Like I said before – Derek is getting married but I’m single and ready to mingle!

DA: In your farewell season, do you expect any standing ovations from the crowds?

DS: No. Derek deserves the standing ovations. He does the throwing. Sure, we’re a team – but I’m a background player. Like the bullpen catcher – he doesn’t get the standing ovations, but he knows he’s an important part of the team. Derek’s the pitcher. The fans love him. And that’s how it should be. I’m happy as the Phil Jackson to his Michael Jordan.

DA: If you could go back and change anything over the last 8-9 months of your mustache-life with Derek, what would it be?

DS: I wouldn’t have told Nelson Cruz to play so shallow in Game 6. My bad on that one

Dan Allsup is a Senior Staff Writer for ShutDownInning. You can email him at or reach him on Twitter @SDIDan.
Dan Allsup

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